OBSESSED

He waited for half the semester and nobody seemed to throw even a glance his way. He held out his heart and it almost became a part of his hand. All he asked for is somebody to worry about. He was humbled and didn’t want much but a look in his way.

He then met this gorgeous one. A drop dead diva he had only been seeing in school and half the time in other men’s arms. He asked her out after a lot of overnight texting. He finally broke the ice and this finally gave him hope of a heartwarming experience.

The date was here and he got all nervous. He became clumsy and without realizing it, he stopped listening to her and stared at her face sheepishly. Who wouldn’t want to stare at a young, beautiful-to-the-bone teenager? This was the big break he had really needed.

For a first date she was well groomed. She had a short, black evening dress with a scarf that went all the way through her back and hang in her arms. Her mascara glittered every time she blinked. Her heels didn’t only elevate her body but her beauty too. She made a trademark head swing every time her hair blocked her view that was followed by a smile as she talked to him. She was full of life and energy and he had a field day checking out all the dimples that formed with every word she uttered. Her hair flowed down her cheeks. He wanted to reach out and put his fingers through her hair but he was scared she might not have liked it.

He couldn’t help but notice the envious look on everyone’s face...or was it just confused pity? He couldn’t tell them apart in between all the groping. She had held his hand with one hand and the other was round his waist. Her head rested on his shoulder and he had a glimpse of heaven for a while there.

She proved to be quite a handful though…he took her to an event for a first date and she suddenly decided that the event wasn’t thrilling enough!!! Even after the tickets had been bought. She felt thirsty and she insisted that they take a walk to the shop. “Oh shoot! I only have coins!” he had this priceless look on his face while he said that. Looked more like a kid who had just messed the diapers. “No problem. I will walk you to your room so long as you promise to carry me back,” after that remark she paused awkwardly. “Of course am kidding! But you should never worry they say I am feather weight.” He heaved a deep sigh of relief not because he didn’t want to carry her but because he’d want to kiss her with their faces lined up that close and no one could tell her reaction. This was the reason he didn’t carry his wallet around. The most expensive drink there is served to her and while halfway through, “I think I can’t have more than that” she said that as she put the fruit juice down.

All this while she threw hints that she could be in some better place but he was blind to this. All for that warm re-assuring embrace and the look in her eyes that let him in straight to her soul. She smiled lovingly at him. Show me the clever guy who would see past this entire charade even if she told you she is bored by the event you planned all week for.

He braved the cold and stayed with her doing small talk as they waited for her ride to her hostel. All this while he hoped against hope that she would agree to spend the night at his place even if it means watching her sleep. He’d give his life at this point just to hold her arm while she slept. He wished she’d take to his bosom and make it her pillow.

In his head, he had her in his arms staring deep into her eyes with soft kisses at all the right places telling her how much he loved her. All this couldn’t happen then because half the time he was with her, he was staring at her dazzling beauty. He hadn’t been smiled to, embraced or given that look that melted his heart in a long time. One hour of this was like an eternity’s worth of frolicking.

It was that time of the week again and all roads led to the drinking hole. He headed there like a zombie majorly with one agenda- just to have a glance at her. He danced normally but suddenly stopped to look right after she passed by. The lady he was dancing with wondered why he lost his step every now and again. Little did she know that his eyes were feasting on another.

He couldn’t ask her to dance because he wanted to see her gyrate her body even if it is with another man. She never disappointed at all. She always shook it like she owned it. It didn’t take so much effort for her to be the center of attention. She finally noticed him (I think it’s hard not to notice someone staring blankly at you) and gave him a warm hug probably to keep his eyes off her body for once. She told him she had missed him and he went silent. He tightened his hug to say ‘I missed you too’. This is something he never gets to hear much often so he just stood there speechless and made the hug linger but a second longer. She got back to dancing with the girls and all he was left to do is stare at her as she left.

After the greeting, she didn’t even notice him every time she passed him to seek another man’s embrace. It’s like for a while there he didn’t exist in her world of men. He didn’t dance as usual but sat in a corner and watched life pass him by. He was acting like he was widowed. He got the best vantage point and his heart slowly warmed up. His face lit up every time she came her way. Every time she hugged another guy, all he could hear above her giggles and the music was his heart breaking. The night was too short and they parted ways.

At this point he hated her as much as he loved her and the days seemed endless as he plotted and schemed on ways to have her just for himself. The jealousy and obsession grew on him like a bad weed and it was spreading fast through his system. He could no longer think straight. He had problems concentrating in class. He only saw his princess with every turn he made every smile he saw and it was almost like she was haunting him.

 His closest friends tried to talk some sense into him. “You’re going to get hurt by that conniving two timing enchantress.” At this point he felt like everyone was against his hard found happiness. To him, it was them against the world. The major reason he could not stand any open criticism is because his heart had been broken one too many times and he couldn’t imagine it happening one more time.

The one thing that kept him going was the thought that the girl could have chosen to be with anyone but she chose him. Even if it was not for dating, she must have had a reason. She must have seen something the rest didn’t see in him though he could not put a finger on it just yet.

As the days went by, he sank deeper into what he thought was love and he spent most of his days building castles in the air for his princess. He gazed blankly into space and it was clear whatever he was feeling had retarded him. He had a picture of her as the background picture on phone and laptop. He had the pictures on the ceiling so that she could be the last thing he saw right before he slept and the first he saw the moment he woke up.

He had never invited her over to his place. She always took her time and always postponed her long awaited visits. There was this one day it rained hard and it was up to the knees outside. She called and a damsel in distress is never ignored. He quickly rushed to pick her in the rain and she was warm and dry in his room as soon as possible.

The girl finally had a chance to get comfortable. She looked around and what she saw startled her. She saw all kinds of her pictures on the walls and she got freaked out. She hurried out of the room like a spooked cat and walked into the rain without a word. He tried to talk her into staying but she wouldn’t oblige. She thought this guy to be some kind of freaky person who might make wrong advances and since she too had had a few bad experiences, she could not risk it again.

He did not sleep at night. He tossed and turned and sleep was to no avail. He called her severally but she didn’t pick or return his calls. That was his breaking point. It not only broke his heart but also his will to go on living. Life had made him think that the people especially the ladies he cared about were never meant to stay in his life for too long. He had lost his mother and his high school sweetheart at a go and this was probably the last straw on his back. He spent his days in bed and on one fateful night he slept a dreamless sleep. One he hadn’t had in a long while.

He vegetated in his sleep. The stress was too much for his fragile heart. He had a mental breakdown. His brain could hold just enough stress at one go. He felt abandoned and dejected. Loneliness set in and he was just a phone call away from riding the short bus. It caught him staring up at her picture on the ceiling and the last sane thing on his face was a smile though now it grew weird as it was perpetual and the only thing keeping it there was a piece of her picture. He had soaked up the picture in his drool and nobody could make out who was in the picture but him.

Obsession was clearly not working for him and his need to feel loved led to a lot of compromising and he broke his heart more than he mended it. She clearly didn’t deserve all that love.

He might not have seen the imminent dementia but it was probably for the best. “You won’t suffer anymore,” This is normally what they say to any patient but the love sick. He might not have had the chance to enjoy his prime years of his life but he certainly had a chance to love…or whatever you’d call what he was hopelessly falling into. It’s at times like this that we wish we had iron veins and hearts cold as stone. This way, we’d never get to love and subliminally evade any kind of heartache.

THE WAKE UP CALL

As I slept the previous night I looked forward to so much. At about four in the morning a call comes in waking me up from my sleep. Normally, nobody calls in at four unless someone is dying or I had asked them to. It was a panic call from the school. She had called to inform me on the unrest and she asked me to be there urgently. I didn’t take it seriously at first because the biggest unrest I’ve seen in Maseno University is when the students are campaigning for the elective positions in the student organization. I couldn’t imagine anyone starting their campaigns in the wee hours of the morning like that.

Sleep caught up with me as text messages kept flowing in from the students who were in the heart of the unrest. I woke up an hour later thanks to another panic call. This time I believed it was real. I woke up with a start and got dressed real quick. On my way all I could see was scared faces. Students were making calls home and saying something about someone getting attacked in Mabungo, a common shopping center that has been hosting a few students for quite a while.

Apparently a student had been critically injured and rushed to hospital. The student had sustained injuries from a foiled robbery in Mabungo at his place of residence. In the wake of the recent crimes, it was understandable why the students were very agitated. Just recently another young lady was raped as she walked to her hostel and the students were not satisfied with the actions taken if any. She was from a late night event hosted by Safaricom Live within the school when she was attacked and the boyfriend was injured as he tried to save the situation.

It is sad how students cannot live in peace while they pay through their noses for security. The last incident was the last proverbial straw that broke the camel’s neck. Maseno students have always been known as the peace loving types which I’d now like to refer to as sleeping giants. The anger had piled up for a while and it took a toll on the locals at Maseno center and Mabungo center. There was debris of fridges along the Kisumu-Busia road. There was property strewn all over. The owners tried to save a little of what was left from the fire and the looting.

Wanton destruction of property was uncalled for but the students and locals took advantage of the lapse in security and looted the shops around there. It was an ugly sight. The police had held the students in the main campus hostage. The police had completely surrounded every possible exit and all the students inside could do is hurl stones at them. The police, both administration and local police, appreciated the gesture by launching tear-gas canisters right at them.

The students ran in a stampede on every shot. Everybody ran helter skelter and it’s only now that a sense of unity was not really making sense. All I could hear from outside the school was screams and moans. The war cries were encouraging enough every time they survived a tear-gas canister launched at them. The police noticed a rise in the number of students who were outside and they realized they had to deal with two battle fronts. They were outnumbered twenty to one but they still carried on. All we had was stones and numbers anyway and they were well prepared for that.

As the students in the inside had them busy, the students outside hid at a vantage point and targeted the civilian cars passing after the barricades were removed. The trailers didn’t feel the hail of stones as much as the sedans and saloon cars. They hurried past ignoring the bumps. Anybody on their way would have been road kill. The students put the barricades again after the police relaxed a bit. The police at the gate still maintained the siege. Nobody went in or out for fear of the worst. The few students who were unlucky enough to get caught were held in the AP holding area.

After a lot of running battles, stampedes that led to several people injured and looting and destruction of public property, the students got convinced to have peaceful dialogue. No sooner were they out than they got rowdy again. The numbers on the two war fronts was balanced and the police were being pushed up the wall. They might have had the live bullets out of desperation. For when push comes to shove probably.

Students were interviewed by the press that was present. Just as the police were being pushed to the edge by the very angry mob of students, the vice chancellor’s car was spotted at the students went at ease hoping against hope for dialogue and understanding. The students became a little calm and listened to the VC. He wasn’t audible and he had to request to be given time to organize for a public address system so that he may address the students at the graduation square.

In the meantime, the students did not want to be addressed while some of them were in custody of the Administration police. The students marched to the AP camp and demanded the freedom of the students. The APs tried to make an example of them but nobody really cared about that.

The students that got trapped as they fetched water or any other business in the main campus were held under a siege. Again. The rest followed the VC to the pavilion at the graduation square. After a while the police decided to let them go to avoid getting two battle fronts as there was a mass piling up behind them. They were allowed to walk past the gate in a single file with hands behind their heads like it was prisons shake down.

The students hurried to the graduation square and got to hear the few things the VC had to say. The VC had promised to build a swimming pool in an effort to calm the insecure students. It didn’t work out well until an aspiring SOMU chair, James Okumu, took the mega phone and addressed the students on the way forward. The VC had recognized the accommodation and security problems. The students gave him the benefit of doubt and calmed down. A procession was led into Mabungo to view the residence of the victim.

The damage done to the place was appalling. A hotel was burnt down and they were collecting the debris. Much more was turned over earlier in the night and all we witnessed was in a sorry state. The students were turned down at the residence and later informed that the student was recuperating in the hospital.

Meanwhile, the students had stormed the mess for food on being told by the VC that they’d eat for free that day. The cashier’s place was looted and all of the cash taken. Everybody was rowdy in there until they started serving. Some students were not the rowdy type and stealthily engaged in panic buying because all the shops were closed and there was no place to get food for supper or lunch.

A cease fire was called and the students went back to their respective residences. Some went back in fear of retribution from the locals for the damage and harm caused. Am sure peace will be maintained by all means as promised by the VC and the police. It’s a long shot but we tried. We gave them a wake up call. 

check out the video on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsSvcgY9nO0&feature=g-all-u

tips for women

Tips for the women in the house:
1) Let him know you believe in him. This will
empower him to achieve his dreams. You made
him feel that he was more special than anyone or
anything else, before marrying. Work to help him
see that again.
2) Accept your husband for the man he is, instead
of wishing you could change this or that. (Stop
concentrating on your spouse’s faults (this makes
them look even bigger than real life). Instead,
work on your own. Take the “log”out of your own
eye, as the Bible says to do in Matthew 7:5.)
3) Help him be a hero to his kids. Speak well of
him and the good things that he does. (You are
God's choice for being your husband's
cheerleader, when it comes to your husband.
(And the same goes for him.)
4) Appreciate the things he does —like making
repairs around the house. (Even if he doesn't do
them well —at least he's making the effort —
which is more than a lot of husbands will do.)
5) Let him spend time with the guys doing “guy”
things (unless those "guy" things compromise the
integrity of your marital relationship).
6) Respect his right to need some space
sometimes. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
7) Stop asking him to throw out his torn, faded
jeans. What you hate about them is what he loves
about them. [Learn to choose your battles —
concentrate on things that really ARE important.]
8. Stop criticizing his mother or father. This may
be difficult to do when his family makes life
difficult for you. "Speak the truth in love" and —
motivated by love, when it concerns his family. If
this doesn't help, ask the Lord to show you how to
handle the situation in the godliest, most
peaceable way possible.
9) Be patient with him. Make him feel special —
he’s still someone who craves your approval.
10) Keep looking your best — for him … and for
yourself.

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MY SPOKEN HEART/ CRY OF A SILENT WOMAN

MY SPOKEN HEART

I speak my heart

Can’t live with hurt

So am about

To let it all out.

I can’t hold it

Like I can’t keep it

All inside

Is it dark or what

Can I still hold it

Or have I lost it.

Am barred

Can’t speak

Listen to my heart beat

And when you no longer can

I’ll tell that it’s gone

As it flows through the feeble connection

I can’t stop the want and need for affection

All I hear in my head is ‘FOOL’

When I know without love I’ll never be full

Gets me thinking, why am I even sad?

When life has been nothing but a springing flower bud

All I say is I wish spring gets done with

And let me see every flower in my life blossom

Heat of hate

The heat of the hate of the demon scorching sun

It gets me letting go my rags, I think I’ll go mad

I can’t believe am still holding on

The letting go of the giving in

The key to this virtual house of mine

Not everyone allowed to go in it

That’s when I realized you are not just anyone

You’re a thief

You moved in as the wind

I gave you no key and passwords to move in

You damn stole your way in

I didn’t want you there

I damn wanted no one there

To sit and boss around

Because you know you stole it all

Convince yourself I can’t take it back

I got your back but watch out coz one of these days dude,

I’ll damn get away from you!

The cry of a silent woman

If I could

I would

I’d just shout

STOP! STOP! He is a beast!

I see his eyes hunger

He is a prowling lion

His hands are ugly claws

His eyes bloodshot

Making every nerve of my body jump

But I still can’t

Just can’t

I remember when he used to smile

And I would smile back

When I was innocent

When I was pure

But on one ugly night

He took it all away

Now I’m lost

Can’t remember where I got lost

In the hands of a prowling lion

He deceives with a smile!

Don’t laugh at his jokes!

This is all I want to show

But I say it quietly

Enough!

I’ve had enough!

Stop lying you deceiver

You black demon with horns!!

But I look around

Everyone is still and calm

For I do not speak

I only shout within me

I ache within

He looks at me

With now hateful eyes

The feeling is mutual

I despise him

Despise myself

Despise nature that allowed this happen

Am sweating profusely, swearing intensely

Boiling with anger

But outside am only an ordinary

Silent lady

Succumbing to the present troubles

That no one dares to care at

But I realize its all in vain

If I can’t he won’t stop

So I will talk

To save the angels

From the black headed demon

I’ve been silent giving the cry

Of a silent woman.

But no longer, if he dares,

I will scream

I will tell the world

The unfortunate disaster stricken

To save the innocence restore purity

Uphold goodness 

An urge to all angels

All ladies with dignity

Don’t be so calm

Or yet too civilized

We all know too well

This is no civilized world

When you are in trouble

When you can’t kick

When you can’t prick

When you can’t bite

When you can’t hurt

Scream

And I’ll be there

A silent woman

Saving womanhood.

ME

You never realize how well you don’t know yourself until you are given a chance to describe yourself in not less than 300 words. Its mind boggling but it has an upside; you get to know who you are as most of young adults are in the self-discovery stage.

I don’t know whether to start by what my friends say about me or my personal opinion but honestly am finding what friends say to be somewhat flattering. Some would say am sweet and caring but the worst part is where nobody knows if I have a dark side or not. What worries me is if there is any at all. Sad I don’t know of any too.

We only get stories from our parents of how we came to be born but it doesn’t take much faith to believe them because there is no other story. Mine told me I was born in the Kiambu town suburbs in a humble hospital. I have always believed where you come from never determines where you are going and looking at things as they are presently, I am not disappointed but by only a few things.

Everybody’s life shaped by the various dimensions it has. There are romantic relationships where the ones we love get to know us so well, our inner secrets and hidden personalities. When love is involved the best and worst is brought out and since we live off love, it is easier to describe someone you love as compared to someone you don’t bear feelings for.

I cannot say am perfect but when my friends say am a nice person, there must be some grain of truth in what they say. My only few weaknesses are that I have too much to give and I give it too easily which is mostly to my detriment. I mostly get chewed and spat like a big ball of mucus by most of my undeserving friends.

Am born of two parents but one has since left us. As the first born it’s hard to cope because I became a second parent by default and had to make adult decisions while yet too young. It’s been of much benefit since I have grown in mind body spirit and was able to get over all the hurdles life had to throw in my way. Am happy to know that life cannot surprise me anymore. There isn’t a new trick in the bag I don’t know of. Ability to see life different from my peers has earned me some kind of good name among them. To some I am their love doctor. To some an advisor. To some a shoulder to cry on and for a lifetime a loving big brother.

FRIENDS?

This is a question not many guys like answering after or during a breakup. If the answer is yes from a guy, then the guy has some flicker of hope that someday the embers of friendship will be given breath and rekindle to the flame of love it was…… or better. I don’t know what ladies or men understand exactly when they break up but one thing am sure of is that we don’t all understand it the same way. Ladies believe its elevation to friendship but men see it as relegation to just a common person. Way below what any man expects of a lady.

This goes against everything I believe in, but it takes a real man to stay and make the friendship work. That’s the very abnormal me speaking but sad it’s only right that you stay as friends. Love has no rules but this is an unwritten one. You can never be ‘just’ friends with someone you love. Don’t test whether he is a gentleman enough to stick around after you kick him to the curb. Life is too short to do trial and error. As they say you will find that you have been picking rocks as everybody picked the jewels that you made ‘just’ friends.

The whole point of breaking up is not to be enemies exactly but to change how you look at the relationship you had. After being lovers the only next thing you can be is strangers or best friends. Ladies had better get that through their heads or they will only break their own hearts by expecting too much from lover turned stranger. It will never be the same so don’t even try making the break up sound any better by trying to be ‘just’ friends with a guy who gave you his heart. It only makes it worse.

Don’t get it twisted though. Some guys will take advantage of being strangers to follow their vendetta. Revenge is sweet but remember this is someone you love or loved depending on what you shared. As a gentleman, it’s only fair if you walk away before you break what is left of your heart.

Funny when she becomes the person you meet in every turn you make. Not that you follow each other but I believe hearts have a way to find each other. Talk of being soul mates. Occasionally say hi. It is plain rude to pretend like you don’t know her even though you are familiar ‘strangers’.

Being a gentleman is some piece of work. It only takes men with the right cojones to give up their interests and think of the people around them however bad they hurt them or otherwise. It’s hard but I am only trying to make it as realistic as possible because I know it breeds a lot of uncertainty. Is it too hard not to take advantage of your power or of the weakness of those around you?

RIGHT CHOICE

Simon couldn’t help but notice how dejected Anne was. She had her palm to her face and chains of thought ran through her mind. She looked like she was on the verge of breaking down. Simon pulled a chair beside her and softly asked her what the problem could be. All she could mumble between sobs was that she had had a fight with the boyfriend.

It had always been the epitome of relationship. It was some kind of yard stick for most other relationships in the school and with such monumental value, it was easy to notice when something went wrong between them. They were always together. They had clearly forgotten themselves and embraced one personality. It could all be read in her face and Simon felt empathic. Anne slowly narrated as he listened intently. He finally asked her to go with him to have something to eat because it did not help if she went hungry.

Word goes round very fast in school and everybody in school could notice how deep Simon’s gaze was when he looked into her teary eyes. Simon did not only feel empathic but he had always reserved feelings for Anne that I can’t say was what her boyfriend offered but probably there was more than met the eyes. Simon helped her through her trouble with a few sweet words and always avoided the subject of his boyfriend.

Simon couldn’t hold it in any longer. He went to tell her that he had more feelings than he was letting on but he hated what would happen if she didn’t say the words he wanted to hear. He couldn’t live with losing her forever yet he had to do something to wipe tears off her face and give her the smile and warmth she had since missed. Simon gathered his courage and finally spoke to her about her issues with the boyfriend and as he wound up he told her, ‘Anne, I have always wanted to see you happy and most of all be the reason behind it. What you guys disagreed about is not a very simple matter but if you can’t find joy and happiness through all the trouble and trying moments in the arms of the man you love, then you are in the wrong arms.’

Simon hadn’t planned his wording. Though he might have been a little careless with them, he took Anne’s feelings into consideration before his own and saw Anne walk into a blissful relationship though it tore his heart from his chest. Such qualities in a man don’t come with many. He could have easily taken advantage and had hiss way at the weakest of points in her life but he helped her up even though it left him in the mire. These are the kind of friends everyone dreams of. Anne was lucky to have a gentleman, though clumsy, in his life. Do you?